Covid-19 Satire: An occasional series of writings exploring the opportunism, incompetence, double standards, falsehoods, inaccuracies, contradictions, hypocrisy, ignorance, and general nonsense that flows from the mouths of celebrities, scientists, journalists, politicians, the self-righteous and judgemental, and others, as a result of the COV-SARS-2 virus, and that other virus that has infected human minds since time immemorial.
Satire – A Prime Minister (PM) listening to distinguished epidemiologists!
And the first distinguished epidemiologist said, “The Revelations of my Rune Stones are that Covid-19 peak deaths could reach 1800 per day. This is far worse than the Government’s reasonable worst case scenario. I must insist though that my Revelations are not a prediction or a forecast! I think that it is self evident that I should be given public money – a lot of public money – loads of lovely dosh! – so that I can cast my Rune Stones again, and again, and again, and predict … sorry, I mean explore, more Revelations.”
And the second distinguished epidemiologist said, “Sorry but the Revelations of my Rune Stones are better than yours for they reveal that Covid-19 peak deaths could reach 1900 per day. This is far, far worse than the Government’s reasonable worst case scenario. I must insist though that my Revelations are not a prediction or a forecast! I think that it is self evident that it is I who should be given public money – a lot of public money – loads of lovely dosh! – so that I can cast my Rune Stones again, and again, and again, and predict … sorry, I mean explore, more Revelations.”
And the third distinguished epidemiologist said, “Nonsense! My Rune Stones are better than either of yours. The Revelations of my Rune Stones forecast – sorry, I meant reveal – that Covid-19 peak deaths could reach 2100 per day. This is far worse than your excessive predictions – sorry Revelations! – enormously worse than the Government’s reasonable worst case scenario. I must insist though that my Revelations are not a prediction or a forecast! I think that it is self evident that it is I who should be given public money – a lot of public money – loads of lovely dosh! – so that I can cast my Rune Stones again, and again, and again, and predict … sorry, I mean explore, more Revelations.”
And the fourth distinguished epidemiologist said, “Well you three have very poor Rune Stones indeed. Mine are far better than yours. The Revelations of my Rune Stones are that Covid-19 peak deaths could reach 4000 per day. This is even more extreme than your claimed excesses beyond the Government’s reasonable worst case scenario. I must insist though that my Revelations are not a prediction or a forecast! I think that it is self evident that it is I who should be given public money – a lot of public money – loads of lovely dosh! – so that I can cast my Rune Stones again, and again, and again, and predict … sorry, I mean explore, more Revelations.”
“Gosh,” said the PM. “Right, let’s lock them down one more time. I’ll fund your Rune Stone work – forever! Money is no object. It’s not mine in any case! And you’ll all get knighthoods or peerages to make you look even more distinguished … and infallible!”
And Ginger Crackers, Queen of Scots, said, “Aye, you’re off your head! The Sassenachs are doomed. I’ll be shifting my throne to London, and all you Sassenachs will become Scots. In the meantime, by Royal Decree, I forbid Scots from visiting England.”
Then Batty Atty spoke, saying. “Look after nature. Make a place for it. How dare you wage this war on SARS-COV-2 – it’s a part of nature. All this Rune Stone casting is an excess of Capitalism! End these excesses now and you’ll all be happier! Trust me! I know what I am talking about. I’ve been to the past and it’s a far, far better place that the present or anything that the excesses of Capitalism can offer in the future.”
“We’re all going to die! Repent of your sins for the end is nigh,” retorted Cretin Thungerbird of International Rescue. “Listen to the scientists. How dare you spoil my future!”
“FUBAR!” said R.W. Littleman. “I’ll be renaming the party and campaigning for herd immunity. This, in any case, is what the Rune Stones are based upon! Surely? How else do all those predicted … sorry, I meant Revealed deaths just fall away to zero?”
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