The Science Party Manifesto

After many years of research and undercover investigations into the murky world of a subversive group that I call the Science Party – a loose coalition of people pursing a very familiar agenda – I can now reveal to you their intentions. My text is written in the satirical and ridiculing style that befits the ramblings and delusions of this mixture of lunatics, fanatics, extremists, and the misguided – potentially dangerous people for whom science has clearly gone wrong. The disturbing thing about what follows is that it is founded on statements made by people I have met, or has been written, or is what these people are actually doing!

Based on the writings and preaching of our great leader, The Chief Scientific Advisor, and other Big Scientists, who are now watching you, we present here our manifesto:

Under our system of government we will tell politicians what to do and how they are to do it and any improvement they make upon the instructions given to them will be fatal to success.

Everyone will be equal, but some will be more equal than others, namely scientists.

We the experts know what is best for you.

As science and scientists are special they will be exempt from the normal rules of society and its laws and be able to do things that others will not be allowed to do.

Scientists have a right to participate in government and to be seated at the policy making table.

Scientists will govern, and other ways of seeing the world, will not be allowed to interfere with this process.

You will still be allowed to have your opinions, but that is all they will be. No-one will be allowed to have their own facts.

Only the best evidence produced by science will be taken into account. This evidence will be known as the truth, the sole truth.

Policy will not in future change significantly, and will be the same under all elected governments, with the only adjustments allowed, being those made according to any new truth approved by science.

Scientists will determine what is the best evidence – the truth – and politicians will not be allowed to use any other evidence.

We will trust industry and so will you.

Religion – together we can cure it. We are the cure. Science is the new opium of the masses. Hallelujah, science saves!

As science is not completed until it has been communicated, we will undertake a programme of public education that will establish in peoples’ minds not only the truth as determined by us, but also the truth about scientists: that they are rational and objective, that they are independent, unbiased and rigorous, that they highly ethical, that they conduct their work within a framework of strict standards of behaviour concerning conflicts of interest. We have no axe to grind. Trust us!

No one will judge the past based on current standards of behaviour. It is self-evident that what we now see as bad things in the past were appropriate at the time – this is the nature of the slow improvement in human behaviour that we call social evolution. Step improvements in human behaviour are clearly not possible – everything is about a slow hill climb. There is no possibility of sky-hooks pulling people upwards at a faster rate. This is a violation of the laws of social Darwinism upon which we will be building the future.

The BBC will be forced to transmit programmes extolling the virtues of scientists, engineers and technologists, and the work that they do.

Medical experiments on non-consenting human beings will be legalised.

Convenience killings will also be legalised. In the future, the state will, on your behalf, slaughter your elderly relatives, the chronically sick, the dying, and all those babies born with mental and physical disabilities. This is just a matter of reason – they are a burden on society and are not economically productive. And in case you think ethical concerns will be raised, do not worry for we have much experience of manipulating ethics to make the above seem quite normal and reasonable. The whole operation will in any case be out-of-sight and therefore out-of-mind. Special facilities will be built in remote locations. These factories will have built-in cremation facilities, will be designed using the latest production engineering and logistics principles, and will deploy state-of the-art computerised equipment. The whole process will be designed to achieve maximum efficiency and minimum operating cost. These innovations will lead to economic growth and will create jobs. The termination process will be handled by experts, and to preserve their anonymity they will all wear masks and will call themselves either Dr Shipman or Dr Mengele.

People who do not agree with the above manifesto points will do so because they are suffering from a deficit, a lack of right-mindedness, and such people will be re-educated.

In due course we will provide a list of people, books, art works, etc. that reflect deficit thinking, which contradict the truth about science and scientists, and which do not support our system of government. George Orwell is the first person on this list. His books Animal Farm and 1984 will be burned. Many more people will added to the list.

People who resist and continue to maintain their lack of right-mindedness will be called heretics, counter-revolutionaries, or dissidents.

As human life is not sacred, and people are nothing more than complex biological machines, when convenient, we will arrange for some of these machines to be switched off. This aspect of our system of government is called the final solution.

We will use art to more gracefully embed these changes in society, so that you do not notice what is happening, and by the time you do notice it will be too late and the rule of science and reason will have been established. Science and reason will reign for a thousand years.

As most people will not agree to this manifesto, we will implement it through stealth by indoctrinating young children, perverting society’s values and beliefs, and by infiltrating government and its institutions, working to place unelected people in positions of power and influence, such as chief scientific advisors.

We do this in the public interest; it is for your own good, for the common good.

All the above will lead to a better world, where people will be happy, and everyone will have lots of things to do, and gadgets to keep them distracted. Disease and suffering will become things of the past.

In due course we will provide you with a creed that you will be able to collectively recite at you Science Party rallies, such as scientific conferences, workshops, covert meetings with industry, etc. This will help to confirm and reinforce your faith. It will also help you to identify those whose beliefs are wavering, and there will be an online facility to enable you to report such people to Big Scientists. Also, soon we will deliver to you the commandments as revealed by the Great Dork, which tells the uninitiated, the public, how to think for themselves.

Welcome to our Brave New World , our new world order – the one best way. Hail science and reason. Raise higher the banner of science. Under the banner of The Chief Scientific Advisor we move forward. All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds that science will create. Science makes you free.