Covid-19 Satire: An occasional series of writings exploring the opportunism, incompetence, double standards, falsehoods, inaccuracies, contradictions, hypocrisy, ignorance, and general nonsense that flows from the mouths of celebrities, scientists, journalists, politicians, the self-righteous and judgemental, and others, as a result of the COV-SARS-2 virus, and that other virus that has infected human minds since time immemorial.
Satire – A Prime Minister (PM) in conversation with a prestigious university’s Professor of BioMedical Research (PBMR):
PM: We desperately need a vaccine for Covid-19. Can you develop one? How much will is cost? How long will it take to develop it? What’s the probability of it being successful?
PBMR: Of course we can, you idiot. One billion pounds of course! It will take one week. There’s an 80% probability of success! By the way, normal due diligence procedures such as peer review are not needed. You will have to bypass normal safety and regulatory checks, and you will also have to give us full indemnity against any mishaps. It is after all, an emergency!
PM: Okay.
The PM signs a cheque for one billion pounds.
One week later.
PM: So where’s the Covid-19 vaccine?
PBMR: Early results are promising, you idiot, but we need more data so that means more money!
PM: How much and when will it be ready?
PM: Another billion you stupid fool. It will be ready next week.
PM: Okay.
The PM signs another cheque for one billion pounds.
One week later.
PM: So where’s the Covid-19 vaccine?
PBMR: Early results are promising, you idiot, but we need more data and that means more money!
PM: How much and when will it be ready?
PM: Another billion you dim wit. It will be ready next week.
PM: Okay.
The PM signs yet another cheque for one billion pounds.
One week later.
PM: So where’s the Covid-19 vaccine?
PBMR: Early results are promising, you cretin, but we need more data so that means more money!
PM: How much and when will it be ready?
PM: Another billion you simpleton. It will be ready next week
PM: Okay.
The PM signs yet another cheque for one billion pounds.
One week later.
PM: So where’s the Covid-19 vaccine?
PBMR: Early results are promising, you nincompoop, but, as I said last week, we need more data and that means we need more money!
PM: How much and when will it be ready?
PM: Another billion you naïve and gullible fool. It will be ready next week.
PM: Okay.
The PM signs yet another cheque for one billion pounds.
Six months later, and many, many, many, many, many, … one billion pound cheques issued.
PM: About the vaccine? You said it would be ready in a week and that the probability of success was 80%. So where’s the vaccine?
PBMR: Oh you stupid, ignorant politician. I’m a scientist, so what I say can always be trusted. Don’t you understand that we scientists are the only way out of this mess? Only we can save you. But we need more data, so more money please. A billion should suffice. It will be ready next week!
PM: Okay, that’s fine.
The PM signs yet another cheque for one billion pounds.
One year later …
